Intimacy

Into-me-see. Someone has said "Intimacy comes through committment".

I typed in intimacy on google and it gave this page in Wikipedia! (What's not in there! quite interesting to even FIND anything on it in Wikipedia..hehh)) Wiki puts it like this:

Intimacy is both the ability and the choice to be close, loving, and vulnerable. Intimacy requires identity development. You have to know yourself and your inner self in order to share your self with another. Knowing yourself makes it possible to stand for yourself in an intimate relationship without taking over the other or losing yourself to the other. This ability to be separate and together in an intimate relationship and being okay with that is called self-differentiation. Lacking the ability to differentiate one self from the other is a form of symbiosis. This too is different from intimacy though to some that kind of dependent closeness may feel the same.

Dependancy is not the same as intimacy! Intimacy comes through freedom. And I think intimacy in any relationship comes through time. With some it's longer, with others it's shorter perhaps. But you can't force it. To have intimacy you need to have not just committment I think, you need to have trust. (Maybe trust comes through committment, but committment and trust both are built through time)

Our dear Wiki continues (haha, don't discredit me but read on!:))

"Poor development of intimacy can lead to getting too close too quickly; struggling to find the boundary and to sustain connection; being poorly skilled as a friend, rejecting self-disclosure or even rejecting friendships and those who have them."

I do think getting too close too quickly can lead to burns.

Intimacy can also be identified as knowing someone in depth, knowing many different aspects of a person or knowing how they would respond in different situations, because of the many experiences you've shared with them.

There is freedom and there is choice. True intimacy only comes through freedom. If you force it - it's not really there. It's not really built on rock either if you force it, but it will be built on sand. Easily washed away as the storms come.

I love Kathy Escobar's blog. It's becoming one of my favourites now. The topic of intimacy involves safety. Ho and low, she just wrote about it! I think it goes well with this topic of mine on intimacy to add a few things from her earlier post (Safe doesn't come cheap or easy).

Unsafe people (and communities):

• think they ”have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses
• are defensive instead of open to feedback
• are self-righteous instead of humble
• only apologize instead of changing their behavior
• avoid working on their problems instead of dealing with them
• demand trust instead of earning it
• blame others instead of take responsibility lie instead of tell the truth
• remain stagnant instead of growing
• resist freedom instead of encouraging it (can’t take no for an answer)
• flatter us instead of confronting us
• condemn us instead of forgiving us
• stay in parent/child roles instead of relating to us as equals
• unstable over time instead of being consistent

safe people (and communities) on the other hand:

• accept us just like we are
• love us no matter how we are being or what we do
• influence us to develop our ability to love and be responsible
• create love and good works within us
• give us an opportunity to grow & stretch & practice
• help us feel comfortable being “ourselves”, to be on the outside what we are on the inside
• allow us to become the us that God intended
• use their lives to touch ours and leave us better for it
• help us be more like Christ help us to like & love others more
• make the relationship more important than opinions
• receive instead of just give
• are humble & willing to say what they need
• are honest, kind & don’t pretend
• work through resistances instead of giving up

And this was said amazingly by her in that post as well:

"So many of these statements imply change, transformation. This is why we don’t have to be afraid of the word “safe”: a really safe relationship will cultivate movement, it just will. a really safe community will cultivate spiritual transformation, it just will. in the groups & friendships i am currently in & have been in over the years, the safety that was created never allowed me to stay stuck. in fact, it has always been just the opposite. the container of relationship gave me a place to see–up close and personal–my character flaws & pain and motivated me to want to change. they push me and pull me but it’s never out of “i’m up here and you’re down there and you better pull it off quickly or else i’m out.” instead, it’s always out of “yeah, we’re all in this together but let’s not stay here for too long.” every single person i am in relationship with (including myself), no matter how messed up, really doesn’t want to stay where they are. we just need people who will love us where we are but be willing to hang in there long haul as we learn and grow and try to notice & feel & experience God in the midst. that’s incarnational relationship."

I still had something else to add on my mind, but now I've forgotten it. Maybe if it comes back I'll add it later. Blame my lack of sleep last night! Early wake up. Though nothing's better than to wake up to a call from Finland! :D And to hear that a 6-year old thought that the best Christmas present for me from him would be for me to come and look after him again/babysit. Hehe! I loved that!! See he thought because I love him&his siblings, it would be the perfect present. In fact, he is right. I do love them and cannot wait to see them!!! It won't be long now - am going home in six days :)